#8 Bitchy Article About Those Who Bitch ©

Sometimes, I feel the urge to make use of gruesome physical violence, similar to that demonstrated by Patrick Bateman in the infamous raincoat scene in "American Psycho".

Except without the raincoat and Huey Lewis music. (I'd probably go for a Burberry trench coat and some Massive Attack. Maybe. Wow, sometimes I scare myself.)

So where DO these murderous urges come from, you may ask?

Let me give you an example:

"Ohmigosh Kathy told me that Ed and Anna are back together which I think is so lame seeing as they only broke up like a week ago because of Ed's facial herpes and on top of that everyone knows he has like a major crush on Sally but she doesn't realise it so he's like so depressed and I think he's only going for Anna because of rebound but then again who knows, they might turn out to be the cutest couple at uni, though I doubt it looking at her awful skin tone, I mean you'd hardly classify her as cute would you, unless your standards had dropped to worshipping people like The Hulk, then I'd understand but then again she wouldn't be too unfortunate-looking if she wore a bit of foundation but ohmigosh I hear she can't even afford make-up at the moment because she went on this mega shopping spree last week and spent like all her student loan on a pair of Jimmy Choo boots from H&M's which are so gross-looking and it's so silly because they do nothing for her figure and like..."

If, while reading that, you experienced feelings of:

• annoyance
• boredom
• and told yourself that this person was pathetic and you wanted to place your fist on their nose at high velocity

you have just earned a brownie point.

(Be warned, this article bitches about those who bitch and gossip. There may be a chance that you will feel personally offended.)

Yeah. People who BITCH and GOSSIP. They are ANNOYING and BORING. Fact.

For three simple reasons:

• 1) I don't care
• 2) Yack yack yack yack
• 3) You are now 51st in my top 50 of cool people

The problem is, it appears that bitching and gossiping are an epidemic, especially among people who present the following symptoms:

• a semblance of having no life
• a desire to fill silences with incessant babble
• a high level of insecurity

Main side effects include a tendency to come across as:

• judgmental
• mean
• pathetic
• arrogant
• ANNOYING
• BORING

If you find yourself in the vicinity of an individual who bitches and gossips, try to avoid them as much as possible as they may be contagious and you could begin to experience violent urges to strangle them which will be a danger not only to them but also to... actually no, only to them.

(Warning: Only works if the person is so engrossed in what they're saying that they don't notice you creeping up behind them.)

Copyright © Caffeine Bubbles, 19 Feb 2010, Warwickshire, UK