#9 Top Five Reasons For Which Twilight Rocks ©

I know what you're thinking:

"NO! Damn you, Caffeine Bubbles! My head has been filled with enough images of that overly-mediatised moody greasy-haired dude, sounds of screeching acne-ridden teenage fans who refer to themselves as Twihards, and stupid vampire love stories to render me mentally obese! NO MORE TWILIGHT, PLEASE!"

But, dear Loyal Minion, I don't care.

Stephanie Meyer's "Twilight" saga is awesome. Indeed, Meyer has proven once and for all that she is a genius who should be revered for her marvelous skills as a writer.

Here are the top five reasons why:

#5 The Most Awesome Boyfriend To Walk The Face Of The Earth

Let's face it ladies (and gentlemen?), Edward Cullen is pretty much perfect.

(Except for the I've-been-sneaking-into-your-bedroom-every-night-for-the-past-three-months-to-stare-at-you-while-you-sleep thing. That's just creepy.)

• he's gorgeous
• he's gorgeous
• he's gorgeous
• he'll do anything for you (I wonder whether he'd stick his face in a pile of dog poo if I asked him to, just for the heck of it. Yeah, probably.)
• I can't really think of anything else.
• did I mention he's gorgeous?

Why, you may ask, does this make Twilight awesome?

Because it allows the aforementioned screeching teenage girls to escape this harsh world where human boys:

• don't wear white foundation (my theory is that Eddie Cullen maintains his chalky complexion with utmost care)
• actually have a life of their own
• and for this reason aren't at your beck and call.

#4 The Most Mediocre Use Of Narration

Meyer's story-stelling skills are not exceptional. In fact, in the Twilight books, they are rather mediocre.

Firstly, her use of grammar is oftentimes incorrect:

• "The room was familiar; it had been belonged to me since I was born." Twilight p9, ATOM
• "The birds were quiet, too, the drops increasing in frequency, so it must be raining above." Twilight p119, ATOM (should be, "it must have been raining above")

Secondly, the narrative is mind-numbingly dull. Take a look at the first paragraph of Twilight:

• "My mother drove me to the airport with the windows rolled down. It was seventy five degrees in Phoenix, the sky a perfect, cloudless blue. I was wearing my favorite shirt - sleeve-less, white eyelet lace; I was wearing it as a farewell gesture. My carry-on item was a parka." (incipit, Twilight, ATOM)

Sometimes I take the bus. I get on the bus. And I wait for ten minutes while the bus driver drives. Then I get off the bus. Then I walk. And then I get to class. And I listen. And then I go to lunch. There are lots of people at lunch. My carry-on item is a tray.

Yes. I know.

MY CARRY-ON ITEM IS A TRAY!!!!

But I digress.

Also, I'm pretty sure I never want to hear about Bella's cooking prowesses ever again (ie. descriptions of her putting something in the micro-wave, turning it on, and waiting. Every ten pages.)

Thirdly, a lot of the passages just don't make sense. Take this, for example:

• "We'd rolled the windows down -- the Suburban was a bit claustrophobic with nine people in it -- and I tried to absorb as much sunlight as possible." Twilight, p114, ATOM

Aww, how sweet. They roll the windows down to help the car feel better. Poor car, must be awful being claustrophobic.

Why, you may ask, does this make Twilight awesome?

Can't spell?

Can't use proper grammar?

Is your literary creativity limited?

Want lots of money?

What Twilight is saying:

If a bestselling author who can't write can get published, SO CAN YOU!

#3 The Most Masochistic Teenage Relationship Ever

Basically:

• Eddie wants to munch on Bella's throat. All the time.
• He's also a neurotic control-freak, not to mention a mentally unstable stalker
• Bella faints and hyperventilates every time he talks/moves/goes to the grocery/the loo
• She becomes completely emotionally/everything dependent on him and loses touch with humanity
• lots of murder attempts on Bella

Why, you may ask, does this make Twilight awesome?

Because everyone wants an emotionally abusive relationship. It's so romantic.

(Don't worry, I don't get it either)

#2 The Most Exciting Fictional Protagonist in the History of Literature

Bella Swan is the most exciting literary one-dimensional character.

Oh, wait, sorry. For some reason, I was confusing her with the main character of my new book "The Wall" which is exactly three sentences long:

"There was this wall. And yeah. The End."

So. Bella has zero personality, no aims in life, and judging by her array of fun daily activities (ie. wake up, brush teeth, school, avoid contact with fellow humans, come home, cook, homework, sleep), has no social life and is probably just plain boring.

She also has no distinct physical features; she's described as having "dark brown hair" and "pale skin". That's it. Zero nothing nada niet.

Bella's lack of qualities make her "completely non-descript, like a glass of milk or a plain piece of bread," affirms my friend Miss Smiley Face.

Why, you may ask, does this make Twilight awesome?

Because it is a brilliant marketing scheme.

Any Twihard can identify with Bella and project themselves in her empty bubble of nothingness. The lack of physical description also facilitates that projection.

Bella's clumsiness (probably her most apparent attribute) also means that teenage Twihards should feel less bad about their own insecurities and defects.

Thus the reader becomes the protagonist, and despite the fact she/he may be a total loser in real life, Twilight gives them hope that one day they could be cool.

How cruel, really.

And the NUMBER ONE reason for which Twilight rocks...

#1 My Professor Quoted Twilight In My Literature Lecture

Apparently, Edward Cullen is a byronic hero.

Yep. Fact.

The English Romanticism Professor says so, therefore it must be true.

If you don't know what a byronic hero is, Google it.

Why, you may ask, does this make Twilight awesome?

Twilight is a piece of literature awesome enough to be cited by erudite professors alongside great classical works at university lectures.

Copyright © Caffeine Bubbles, 22 Feb 2010, Warwickshire, UK